A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your butt is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

How can I make my life simpler?

  •     Don’t watch TV. It is waste of time and mental energy. Kicking it out will make your life simpler, happier and more productive.
  •     Before you organize, ELIMINATE. Everything: clutter, tasks, social obligations, meetings, boring people, meaningless activities. Define what is essential and eliminate ruthlessly.
  •     Do 1 thing at a time. It is more difficult than it sounds, but it is proven to be more productive, less stressful and yes, simpler.
  •     Track your income and your expenses. Life is much simpler when you are aware of your finances.
  •     Turn off the notifications on your cell phone. It is so helpful!
  •     Write things down. Not just expenses (see #4) but also your thoughts, fears, problems, ideas. When it’s on the paper it doesn’t occupy your mind.
  •     Write To-do list with 3 tasks. Verbarize it- use verbs instead of nouns. (Meaning, instead of writing: Project XYZ, write: create an outline and delegate tasks to person A, B and C for project XYZ). Simple and works!
  •     Work slowly, devoted. That is how great work is done, stress is minimal and life simpler.
  •     Know thyself. It will help you understand your emotions, change your habits, recognize your triggers, optimize your work. Simply wonderful.
  • What is one piece of simple advice that actually changed your life?
  • A few years ago, when I was agonizing over my future career path, my dad told me to make a list of the things in life that make me happy.
  • Then, split the list into two categories.
  • The first category includes any type of happiness that you can feel instantaneously. Sipping hot chocolate on a chilly day. Hitting the snooze button to steal another five minutes of sleep. Binge-watching the new season of your favorite show.
  • The second category includes any type of happiness that takes a long time to appear and a long time to fade. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Mastering difficult skills. Building closer relationships with the people you love.
  • Some of the items in the first category, my dad explained, might clash with the items in the second. The more hot chocolate you consume, for example, the less nutritious your diet becomes.
  • But a few items in on your list, just a few, might actually fit into both categories. The best painters in the world obtain joy both from the instantaneous act of painting and from the ultimate goal of becoming a world-class artist. The best soccer players love being out on the field just as much as they love becoming better athletes.
  • Circle these items, these things that bring you both short-term happiness and long-term happiness.

These are the things that you can spend your life doing, and never feel like you’ve worked a day.

Two firemen are butt fucking in a smoked filled room. The Fire Chief walks in and says, What are you doing? Give this man mouth to mouth. One of the fireman says: I did how do you think all this shit got started…

A man walks in a bar with his iphone… He suddenly realises he needs to fart. He logs into Itunes and ups the volume thinking ‘the music is loud no one will hear’ So he farts… When he looks around, everyone’s staring at him Then he realises… He was listening to his iphone with headphones.

hree women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, “I know what I’m going to have.” The other to asked how. She replied, “Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy”. The red head said, “If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, “PUPPIES, PUPPIES!”.