Funny Jokes Hilarious Adult Humor

A third age Scotsman was waiting for his son to return from his first date.
Finally, he arrived after midnight.
“Were you worried, father?”
“Yes, I was really worried… I want to know how much did that date cost you…”
“It cost me only four euros!”
“Hmm, it’s not that much.”
“I know father… But the girl didn’t have any more money…”

anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store & thought, “That’s what I need – a new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck.” Again, Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see … 9-1/2 E.” Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see… size 36.”

Joe laughed. “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Man: Well, I don’t have $1M.

Also, Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18. She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey, she said, ‘you received a very strange
postcard today.

‘Oh, really? Let me see…’, he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,

and fainted. On the card was written: ‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.’

A hardcore Chartered Accountant gets home late one night.

His wife angry and upset, says, “Where the hell have you been?”

He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo?” She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a thousand Dollar note on my privates,” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her head in disgust, “What is wrong with this man, why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a thousand Dollar note tattooed on his bloody privates?”

“Well, 
one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. 
Three, I like how money feels in my hand. 
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a thousand bucks anytime you want!”

Wife faints…