Humor Jokes

A Man is Dying in the Hospital

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He’s surrounded by his two sons, his daughter, his wife, and a nurse. He turns to his family and says:

“Peter, my eldest, I leave you the villas in Beverly Hills. Samantha, my beautiful daughter, to you I give the apartments in Los Angeles Plaza. Charlie, my youngest son, I see a long and bright future in you, so I leave the city center offices to you. And my dear wife, the three residential towers in downtown are all yours.”

The nurse hears all of this and is impressed at the man’s sizeable fortune. She turns to the wife and says, “Ma’am, your husband must be very rich to be bequeathing so many properties. You all are so lucky.”

Story about British Army

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The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, ‘From the tip of my penis to my testicles.’
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived at the barracks in the UK and instructed the sergeant-major to ‘drop ’em’, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant’s penis and began to work back.
‘Dear Lord,’ The medical officer suddenly exclaimed, ‘Where are your balls?’
The old sergeant-major calmly replied, ‘Afghanistan.’

Big Fat But

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eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says,
“I’m very sorry. I’m going to have to put your cat down.”
“Oh no! Because he’s so fat?”
“Yes,” says the doctor. “My arms are very tired.”

I Teased My Crush

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She then turned pink and looked down. I gave her a wide smile.
Ten years later, she became my stepmother.
(This joke was translated from Chinese so sorry if parts don’t make sense.)

The Best form of Exercise

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they don’t get the joke. You can’t blame them: sometimes jokes are just that confusing.
These jokes are all clean, so you can share them with your friends, family, and even kids! Whether it’s the punny humor or the clever use of words, these jokes are sure to give you a giggle.

Funny Jokes To Tell Humor Friends

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  1. Did you know that best friends would not mind if your place is clean. All they need is beer.
  2. You may share all your secrets with me. They can be safe with my friends.
  3. While I was wondering how the ball was turning bigger in size, my friend hit me with it.
  4. Do you consider me your friend? Then be ready to pick my call 100 times a day.
  5. Yes buddy, I am ready to take a bullet from you. But only if you give me 1000 dollars.
  6. What if I say that potatoes can quarrel as they cannot see eye to eye.
  7. My boyfriend wanted a holiday so I sat home.
  8. My best friend is like pepperoni on pizza. Nevermind, it sounds right to me.
  9. Did you know that friends who like to work on algebra are called algebros?
  10. My friend got all cut. What? Yeah, he’s gone bald.
  11. Why do birds fly? That’s because it is easier than walking.
  12. Zero praised eight that it has got a stylish belt.
  13. You can be my friend as you match my level of craziness.
  14. Can you fix broken tomatoes? Yes, make them into a paste.
  15. My boyfriend and I laughed at how happy we were. But I ended up laughing more.
  16. Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs
  17. What did the frustrated cat say? Are you kitten me right meow
  18. What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality
  19. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything
  20. How did the hamburger know he needed new pants? His buns were showing
  21. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates
  22. What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain
  23. If you’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, what are you
  24. while you’re inside? European
  25. What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels
  26. When does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? For drizzle
  27. What kind of cereal do dads like? Corn flakes
  28. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent
  29. Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally
  30. If you see a robbery at an Apple store, what does it make you? An Iwitness

Sister Quotes Funny Humor Jokes

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  1. I smile because you’re my sister, I laugh because you can’t do anything about it.
  2. Sisters are the crabs in the lawn of life!
  3. Sis, we are not getting older, we are getting awesome! Happy birthday!
  4. Am I not the coolest person you know sister?
  5. Sister, you are lucky to have me!
  6. My younger sister is my responsibility. If you mess with her, you will be messing with me too.
  7. Sister, you laugh, I laugh. You cry I cry. If you jump off a cliff, remember to do a flip!!
  8. Adventures with your sister, are not as sweet as chocolates. They are like a jar of jalapenos. What we do, always comes back to bite our ass tomorrow.
  9. Here’s to another year of getting closer to Velcro shoes, sister!
  10. Life is too short to be serious! If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me up. I will laugh at your sister. Any day.
  11. Sister, I like you better when you are asleep.
  12. Only I can make my sister cry! You, on the other hand, don’t even get to think about it.
  13. You’re like the first pancake sister, always a little weird.
  14. Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.
  15. “You keep your past by having sisters. As you get older, they’re the only ones who don’t get bored if you talk about your memories.”
  16. “More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.”
  17. You my sister are always there for me, and on your birthday I just want to say thank you!
  18. “Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
  19. “A sister will let you know when the outfit you’re trying on really doesn’t look fabulous.”
  20. “A sister will always notice her sister’s first gray hairs with glee.”
  21. “We may look old and wise to the outside world. But to each other, we are still in junior school.”
  22. “I finally moved out of my parent’s house. It was only fair to let my sister have her own room.”

Funny Short Stories About Technology

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Funny Short Stories About Technology

Technology Really Is Ruining Our Youth, Apparently

Im a high school teacher. Throughout distance learning, one of my students became infamous for being on mute; when he started talking. It started as simple forgetfulness, but the kid realized he could make a game out of it, so as time went on, it turned into an annoyance as he pressed his luck longer and longer before realizing; that he was still on mute and apologizing for his forgetfulness;.

When we finally get back to in-person learning, I spend the first day on a simple discussion on classroom expectations now that were all in the same room again. As I go over each expectation, I give the kids a chance to ask questions and discuss why that expectation is in place. Eventually, the forgetful; student raises his hand for a question.

Me: Yes, [Student]?;

[Student] moves his lips but doesnt make a sound.

Me: [Student] Im going to give you one chance to answer. Did you actually lose your voice, or are you just playing games again by pretending youre on mute?;

[Student] thinks for a few seconds, and then responds in a perfectly clear voice.

Student: Well you caught me. I just wanted to see what would happen.;

After allowing the class to giggle for a moment, I got their attention back and told everyone that while it was funny this time, those kinds of antics would not be tolerated in the future.

So far, nobody has tried it again, and with distance learning moving farther and farther into the past, Im hoping itll stay that way.

Luck Be A Lady (My Sister)

Its kind of a running joke in my family that [Sister] is a reality warper. Her luck is, quite simply, absurd. Sometimes, it feels like the world is bending over backward to accommodate her.

Ive got a long list of events I can rattle off to prove her luck, but thats for another time. This is a conversation that happened at the start of this year.

Sister: I want to get a new gaming PC. Can you build one for me?;

Friend: Sure thing. But maybe now isnt such a good time? Theres a shortage of GPUs at the moment, and so they now cost a bomb. At your budget, the GPU would eat up nearly half of it alone. Wed have to really skimp on the rest of the computer.;

Sister: Okay. Im gonna have to study for my finals, anyway, so you dont have to build it until summer.;

Friend: But the parts;

Sister: *Waving dismissively* Im sure itll sort itself out by summer.;

Me: Sis, thats not likely to happen.;

Sister: *Rolling her eyes* All right, fine.; *Takes a deep breath* I, [Sister], wish, here and now, that the GPU price would go down by the time my final exams are over.;

She gave us a baleful look.

Sister: Problem solved.;

Fast forward a few months into 2022, and suddenly, Crypto crashes, causing cryptocurrency miners to start selling their GPUs, driving GPU prices down right around the time [Sister] is wrapping up her exams and has told [Friend] to start ordering parts.

Two weeks later, [Friend], [Sister], and I are sitting down in my room, each holding a brand new GPU. We found someone online who was offering a buy-one-get-two-free deal, I kid you not.

Me: Well, that was stupid. Even by the standards of your luck, this was particularly egregious.;

Friend: *Disbelievingly* A trillion-dollar crash. I lost years of investments — five thousand dollars — all because you wanted GPUs to be cheaper.;

He shakes his head.

Friend: You must have burnt an entire lifetimes worth of luck with that.;

Sister: Nah, Ive still got plenty left in the tank. Mark my words.;

Another two weeks later, [Sister] went to Las Vegas with her friends and won fifteen thousand bucks while playing cards. Yeah, her luck is still going strong.

Coffee drones

First up is a cool story about IBM and coffee-delivering drones. Big Blue has filed a patent for a coffee-delivery drone with intricate sensors. IBM in the patent says they system works like this: A cup of coffee hangs from a small flying unmanned vehicle, and the drone flies to an area with people in it and can be flagged down by someone who desires the beverage.
The drone system isnt dumb. Rather it can collect data about your location and time of day. If it notices a trend, say you get tired at 3 p.m., it could do a fly-by-coffee at that time every day without you asking for it. Will it make it to the market? Dont bet against it.

Really bad airport security

Our next story falls into the wacky category and comes from London. The story goes that a man on his way to a library found a random USB stick lying on the sidewalk. Upon booting it up he found that in contained all manner of security information about London Heathrow Airport, including security procedures for the Queen and other important travelers, the location of all closed circuit television camera at the airport, and maps of the Heathrow’s tunnels and escape shafts for the Heathrow Express train station.

Englands Information Commissioners Office ended up fining Heathrow Airport Limited approximately $154,000 for failing to ensure that the personal data held on its network was properly secured. The Register reported that the ICO discovered that just 2 percent of the 6,500 workers at HAL had been trained in data protection.

The ICO also noted “widespread” use of removable storage media that flouted HAL’s internal policies and guidance, and sloppy controls over preventing staff downloading personal data onto unauthorized or unencrypted media. Needless to say there have been security changes at Heathrow.

Fly-by attack risk

Sticking with security, there were multiple reports of potential vulnerabilities about the networks involved with supporting the Lockheed Martin F-35 Lightning II, the next-generation joint strike fighter to the U.S. military.

Its a software-based aircraft, and any software-based platform is going to be susceptible to hacking,; Brig. Gen. Stephen Jost, director of the Air Force F-35 Integration Office, told Defense News.

The problem isnt with the aircraft support networks. As Popular Mechanics puts it: Every F-35 squadron, no matter the country, has a 13-server Autonomic Logistics Information System (ATIS) that is connected to the worldwide ALIS network. Individual jets send logistical data back to their nations Central Point of Entry, which then passes it on to Lockheed’s central server hub in Fort Worth, Texas. In fact, ALIS sends back so much data that some countries are worried it could give away too much information about their F-35 operations.

Another networked system is the Joint Reprogramming Enterprise, or JRE. The JRE maintains a shared library of potential adversary sensors and weapon systems that is distributed to the worldwide F-35 fleet, Popular Mechanics wrote. The services that use the F-35 are now trying to tighten the bolts around any potential vulnerabilities.

$12B email scam

This scam is just crazy, especially since it has been going on so long.

It’s the business email compromise (BEC) scam that the FBI says has garnered over $12 billion in ill-gotten booty and netted nearly 80,000 victims between 2016 and now. The BEC scam continues to grow and evolve, targeting small, medium and large business and personal transactions.

Between December 2016 and May 2018, there was a 136 percent increase in identified global exposed losses, the FBI wrote. The scam has been reported in all 50 U.S. states and in 150 countries. Victim complaints filed with the Internet Crime Complaint Center, and financial sources indicate fraudulent transfers have been sent to 115 countries.

The FBI says the scam has evolved over the years but is frequently carried out when an attacker compromises legitimate business email accounts through social engineering or computer intrusion techniques to conduct unauthorized transfers of funds. A variation of the scam involves compromising legitimate business email accounts and requesting personally identifiable information (PII) or Wage and W-2 income tax forms for employees.

 

Talking Chicken

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favorite favorite kind of beer?”
The chicken says “Bock, bock, bock.”
The bartender says “Ha, ha, very funny, pal!”
The guy says “No, really! He can talk! Freddie, what’s a male deer called?”
The chicken says “Buck, buck, buck.”
The bartender says, “Okay, it was funny the first time, but now it’s kind of annoying!”
The guy says, “I swear! Give me one more chance! Freddie, who’s the best composer ever?”
The chicken says “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
The bartender says, “All right, that’s it! You’re outta here!” And the bartender throws him and the chicken out.
The guy says, “Freddie, you really disappointed me! How come you didn’t prove to the bartender that you can talk?”
The chicken says “what did you want me to say, Beethoven?“

Patient Called His Lawyer in Hospital

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When the lawyer arrived, the man asked his physician to stand on one side of the bed & the lawyer on the other. The man then laid back & closed his eyes. When asked what he had in mind, he replied:

“Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I’d check out the same way.”