“I’ll have frosties, bitch”
WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year old and says sternly “And what do you want?”
“I don’t know, but it won’t be fucking frosties”
7 Year old and a 4 Year old
In a Local Bar
(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
What do You Want to Be When You Grow Up ?
an apartment in Copacabana,
a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in
a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. “And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s whore.”
Blonde In Store
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, “That’s it! How’d you know I was a blonde?!” she asked.
The salesman answered: “Cause that’s a microwave.”
Putin Was Being Held Hostage by a Terrorist
him on fire. So we’re asking drivers for donations.”
The driver said, “Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average?”
“About a gallon.”
English, Scots Irish Mans
the judge said “I love Ireland, it has given us the greatest music, poets, writers and art – because of this you get 2 requests”
The Irishman thought and said “firstly I’d like 200 lashes, and second of all strap the Englishman to my back”
Woman with Big Thing
After a short delay the gynaecologist replies
in a muffled voice “I’m just coming out, can you repeat that?”.
Jesus’ Teaching – The Parable of the Kind Stranger
In a small village, a weary traveler arrived late at night, hungry and without shelter. He knocked on many doors, but each one turned him away, saying they had no room or food to offer. Finally, he came to a humble house at the edge of the village, where an old woman lived alone.
Without hesitation, the woman welcomed the traveler inside. She offered him the last of her bread and gave him a place to rest. The next morning, the traveler thanked the woman, and as he left, he revealed himself to be an angel sent by Jesus to test the hearts of the villagers.
The old woman’s kindness was rewarded with an abundance of blessings. Her home was filled with food, and she was never in need again. The villagers, having learned of their missed opportunity, were reminded of Jesus’ teaching: “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.”
1. The Lost Coin
A woman in a village had ten silver coins, each of great value. One day, she realized that she had lost one of the coins. Though she still had nine, she was deeply troubled by the loss of that single coin. She lit a lamp, swept her house, and searched carefully until she found it.
Overjoyed, she called her neighbors and said, “Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin!”
In this parable, Jesus teaches that every soul is precious in the eyes of God. Just as the woman rejoiced over finding her lost coin, so does heaven rejoice when one sinner repents and returns to God.
2. The Good Samaritan
A man was traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho when he was attacked by robbers. They beat him, took everything he had, and left him lying half-dead by the roadside. A priest happened to be going down the same road, but when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. A Levite also came to the place, saw him, and passed by on the other side.
But a Samaritan, despised by others, came where the man was. When he saw him, he took pity on him. He bandaged his wounds, placed him on his own donkey, and brought him to an inn to take care of him. The next day, the Samaritan gave the innkeeper money and said, “Look after him, and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense.”
Through this parable, Jesus teaches us to love our neighbor as ourselves, showing kindness and compassion to all, regardless of their background or status.
3. The Wise and Foolish Builders
Two men set out to build their houses. The first man was wise and built his house on a solid rock. The second man, eager to finish quickly, built his house on sandy ground. When a storm came, the winds blew, and the rain poured down. The house built on the rock stood firm, but the house built on the sand collapsed with a great crash.
Jesus used this story to illustrate the importance of building our lives on a strong foundation—His teachings. Those who hear His words and put them into practice are like the wise man who built his house on the rock. But those who hear His words and ignore them are like the foolish man whose house could not withstand the storm.
Short, clean jokes that gets a laugh every time
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” And so on.
The bartender pours two beers and says, “You guys need to know your limits.”
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster
Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs
A man named Rob gets pulled over for suspected DUI
Police: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Rob: No.
Police: I pulled you over since it seems like you are drunk. Do you mind me doing a test on you?
Rob: Sure.
Police: You see a vehicle with two headlights behind you. What is the vehicle?
Rob: A car?
Police: Yes, but what type of car? A BMW? A Honda?
Rob: How would I know that?
Police: See? You’re drunk!
Rob: No, I’m not.
Police: Ok. You see a vehicle behind you with one headlight. What is the vehicle?
Rob: A motorcycle?
Police: Yes, but what type of motorcycle? A Yamaha? A Harley?
Rob: I don’t know.
Police: See? You’re drunk!
Rob: No. Let me ask you a question. You see a woman standing on a curb. Heels, fishnet, stockings, short mini skirt, and flagging cars down. What is she?
Police: A prostitute.
Rob: Yeah, but is it your wife, your mother, or your daughter?
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral
A huge heart-shaped mausoleum covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes turned to him, he said, ‘I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral! I’m a gynaecologist.’
An intern at a mental hospital starts his first day
He comes across a patient walking through the halls and asks “Who are you?”
The patient answers “I’m Napoleon.”
Not sure how to handle this, the intern decides to be polite and asks “How do you know?”
The patient responds “Jesus told me.”
Another patient, overhearing this conversation, suddenly turns around and says “No, I didn’t.”
The CEO calls a young employee into his office.
CEO: When you joined the company, you were just an intern. Within a year, I promoted you from intern to associate, from associate to manager, and from manager to senior manager.
I keep promoting you because I recognized your talent and hard work. Today, I’ve called you in to tell you that I’m preparing to promote you to vice president. Do you have anything to say?”
The young man replies, “Thanks.”
CEO: “Thanks? Is that really all you have to say to me?”
After thinking for a while, the young man finally spoke:
“Thanks, Dad.”
A farmer buys a new rooster to replace his old one, and puts him in the chicken coop…
The new rooster walks up arrogantly to the old rooster and says “out of the way old man! These are my hens now. Your time is done.” The old rooster rolls his eyes.
“Alright, fine, I get it. I’m old. But I still have some living left to do, and won’t give up my hens so easily. There is only room in this coop for one of us. Let’s settle it this way: we race around the coop. The winner stays, and the other goes.” The young rooster agrees to the challenge.
The old rooster says “but listen, I’m not the young cock I once was. You have to give me a 5 second head start to make it fair.” The young rooster agrees to these terms.
When race time comes, the young rooster counts down to start it. “3… 2…1… go!” The old rooster takes off running, giving it his all. After 5 seconds, the new rooster takes off after him. As they round the first turn of the race, the new rooster is already about to catch up to the old one, right on his heels.
The farmer is sitting on his porch watching. He stands up, grabs his shotgun, and shoots the young rooster, leaving only some blood and feathers. He says “DAMN IT! That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”
Three sorority sisters meet for brunch 20 years after graduation.
The waiter asks, “What will you have today?”
“White wine, and a salad.” “White wine and a salad, also.” “White wine! And a salad!”
The conversation starts and Amanda says, “Why don’t you tell us a little about your life, Stacey?”
Stacey says, “It’s amazing! I’m married to an international businessman and we travel all over the world in our own 747! We have a home in Paris, we have a home in Palm Springs, we take our yacht to Saint-Tropez. Last week we were with the Kardsashians and I think Kim is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met! What about you, Amanda?”
“Well, much like you, Stacey. I’m married to an international heart surgeon and we travel the world in our 747. We have a home in London, a home in Miami, and I shop on Rodeo Drive. Last week we were with the Obamas and I think Michelle is the sweetest person I’ve ever met!”
And there sat Hilda. “What about you girl, what’s your life been like?”
“Well nothing like yours. I just married old Joe Jones out of college and we live in a really nice double-wide just out of town. He cuts meat down at the grocery store and we went to Six Flags last year and the kids were really excited about that.”
“Hilda, what happened? You were everything in college! You were the cheerleading captain, you dated the quarterback of the football team – isn’t there anything extraordinary about your life?”
“The only thing I can think of is that when Joe gets sexually aroused and has an erection [Hilda lifts a finger and points with her other hand] we can put 13 parrots on there, like this.”
Amanda wrinkled her brow, looked over her glasses and said, “How many?” “13 parrots.”
Hmm.
They keep drinking white wine and talking and the truth starts to come out. Stacey says, “Guys I got to level with you. I lied earlier. My husband isn’t an international businessman, he’s a real estate agent and we live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. We got to go to Dollywood last years and the kids were real excited about that.”
Amanda said, “Guys, I lied, too. My husband isn’t a heart surgeon, he sells insurance where we live, in Topeka, Kansas. We went to Branson last year on vacation and that was kind of fun.”
Stacey said, “Hilda, thank you for being so honest with us earlier, but is there ANYTHING you might have exaggerated about your life?”
Hilda said, “Well, sometimes, [points at tip of finger] when we put that 13th parrot right there on the end, it has to flap its wings to stay on!”