Story Teller

Drunk Blonde A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her. A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” The barman looks her up and down and says, “First off, it’s bartender, not barfender. Second off, it’s martini, not marhini. And third, you don’t have heartburn, your b**b is in the ashtray.”

calls out.
“Oh yes,” says the detectorist. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a ring. “I found this engagement ring. The owner lost it when she was cheating on her fiance.”
The man laughs, “That’s a nice ring and a nice story. What else do you got?”
The detectorist presents another ring. “This ring belonged to a married woman. She also lost it while having s3x with another man on this beach.”
“Sure buddy,” said the man, “I should’ve listened to my wife.”
“Maybe,” says the detectorist as he pulled out another ring, “and while you’re at it, give this back to her.”
A look of shock comes over his face.
“Relax,” says the detectorist, “she only gave me head.”

she was going down on me. I
thought to myself, “I really

need a new fucking boat.”
I thought to myself.

a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

People who don’t have social connections.
    People who are academically smart, but are utter idiots in life.
    People who are not willing to fail.
    People who won’t let go of their ego and kill it.
    People who are not willing to leave the past behind, cut it off, and move on.
    People who are friends with negative assholes that constantly bring them down because “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
    “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” You won’t succeed if you won’t change your attitude, and instead will be desperately trying to change the world, the environment, and others.
    “Those who have a why to live, can bear with almost any how.” If you don’t have a why, game over.  

eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says,

“I’m very sorry. I’m going to have to put your cat down.”
“Oh no! Because he’s so fat?”

“Yes,” says the doctor. “My arms are very tired.”

straight in the eyes & calmly says, “I’ll explain the toy,
you explain the kids…..”

she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back.
I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'”

At dinner, she told her sister, “My
monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s
nothing, mine is already eating
bananas.”

A Secretary came angrily out of boss cabin
a colleague asked: What happened?
She replied: He asked me are you free tonight?
I said: Yes, and bastard give me 101 pages of work.

the man answers indignantly.“Oh, I’m sorry,”
says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither
did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the man replied. “She’s married and we can’t go to her house.
I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it
here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.”

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your b*tt is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-A$$ grill for one little weenie?”