Funny Jokes Hilarious Adult Humor

SL: It’s logical. He wants to violate us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later…
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical!
Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
S : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be a dirty story…….
The Moral of the Story is:
LOGIC BEATS MATHS ANYTIME.
And Maths cannot survive without Logic

The jurors, stunned,
all looked eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally
the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the business about the dead
man walking in. But you all looked at the door with anticipation. I
therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case
as to whether anyone was killed, and I must insist that you return
a verdict of ‘not guilty.’”
The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, they
returned and pronounced a verdict of “guilty.”
“But how could you do that?” bellowed the lawyer. “You must
have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.”
The jury foreman replied, “Oh, we looked, but your client
didn’t.”

The man says, “Well, okay, but now look at the collar! When I bend my elbow, the collar goes halfway up the back of my head.”
The tailor says, “So? Raise your head up and back. Perfect.”
The man says, “But now the left shoulder is three inches lower than the right one!”
The tailor says, “No problem. Bend at the waist way over to the left and it evens out.”
The man leaves the store wearing the suit, his right elbow crooked and sticking out, his head up and back, all the while leaning down to the left.
The only way he can walk is with a herky-jerky, spastic gait.
Just then, two passersby notice him.
Says the first: “Look at that poor crippled guy. My heart goes out to him.”
Says the second: “Yeah, but his tailor must be a genius! That suit fits him perfectly!”

he charges within and demands of the girl at the counter that she sells him flowers.
‘I’m sorry, sir’ she explains. ‘We’re not a florist. We’re a vasectomy clinic’
‘But..’ he objects, feeling cheated ‘you have a bouquet of flowers in your front window!’
‘What would sir suggest we put in the window?’ She asks.

A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

LNumber One Samurai, “Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and “swish”; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do.”

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and “swish, swish”; the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered!

“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number Three Samurai?” Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, release one fly, drew his Samurai sword, and “swoooooosh” flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”

“Dead, schmed,” replied the Jewish Samurai. “Dead is easy. What takes REAL skill is circumcision”

He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:

“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”

Next up is Rose “I rode the choo choo with my family”

“Sounds fun!” The teacher replies “but again, we use big kid words. You rode the train with your family”

Then it’s Johnny’s turn to talk about his weekend, he thinks for a second, then says “this weekend I watched Winnie the Shit with my brother”

An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, “This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?”

“Of course it is,” said the Lord, smiling. “Who can he tell?”

“Your pizza is superb,” the customer tells the chef. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.” “Naturally,” the chef says. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!”

“I’ll have frosties, bitch”
WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year old and says sternly “And what do you want?”
“I don’t know, but it won’t be fucking frosties”

(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

an apartment in Copacabana,
a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in
a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. “And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s whore.”

Finally the blonde got fed up and said, “That’s it! How’d you know I was a blonde?!” she asked.
The salesman answered: “Cause that’s a microwave.”

him on fire. So we’re asking drivers for donations.”
The driver said, “Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average?”
“About a gallon.”

the judge said “I love Ireland, it has given us the greatest music, poets, writers and art – because of this you get 2 requests”

The Irishman thought and said “firstly I’d like 200 lashes, and second of all strap the Englishman to my back”