pulled out, spat on my dick and stuck it in her ass.
I then threw her on the floor and came on her face and tits”.

The barman said ” Wow, that sounds amazing, but why the black
eye”? “Well, it turns out we don’t watch the same movies”.

no arms and no legs. She asks: what do you want?
He says: I came because of the newspaper ad.
Her: do you meet the first requirement?
Him: I got no arms, so I can’t hit you.
Her: do you meet the second requirement?
Him: I got no legs, so I can never leave you.
Her: what about the third requirement?
Him: how do you think I rang the door bell?

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he’s wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, ‘There’s no charge.’
‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the mortician says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’
‘So I just switched the heads.’

Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”
The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday
morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”
The man said, “No one showed up.”

that he will scatter the ashes at sea, because their love of the sea kept them together during difficult times.
The third, a cook, says that he intends to mix his husband’s ashes into a bowl of chili and eat it.
The two other men look at him in horror and disgust. The pilot asks “why would you eat a bowl of chili with your husband’s ashes in it?”
The cook says “So he can tear up my ass one last time”