Funny Jokes Hilarious Adult Humor

What’s better than a hilarious joke? A hilarious joke that’s filled with smut and innuendo, of course. And have we got some great dirty jokes for you.

From naughty gags to close-to-the-knuckle toilet humor, look no further. Short rude jokes, jokes, chat-up lines, Rude knock-knock jokes.

Love, Money and success

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come in”, they replied. In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
“Go tell them I am home and invite them in!” The woman went out and invited the men in. “We do not go into a House together,” they replied.

“Why is that?” she wanted to know. One of the old men explained: “His name is Wealth,” he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, “He is Success, and I am Love.” Then he added, “Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home.”

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. “How nice!!”, he said. “Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!”

Money Heist Quotes in Spanish – Citas en español

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Hay momentos en la vida en los que deberíamos poder tener un maldito control remoto, para que puedas pausarlo. Aunque solo sea por cinco minutos. Pero a veces las cosas suceden con obscenidad irreverente y no hay nada que puedas hacer para ayudarlo. –

Después de todo, ¿qué es más humano que la lucha por la supervivencia?

Tokio: ‘¡Agitas una bandera blanca y te entregas! Sé que serán fáciles para ti cuando las cosas se compliquen.
Río: ‘Sólo agito la bandera blanca para el Real Madrid’.

‘Si le disparas a la chica, morirás. Si me disparas, morirás. Si dejas ir a la chica, vives.
Tokio: ‘Si tan solo cada decisión en el mundo fuera tan fácil …’

¿Eres un completo idiota o qué? Has oído hablar de Stockholm-Syndrom, ¿verdad?

La esperanza es una especie de dominó. Una vez que uno cae, el resto sigue.
Cuando llegas al fondo, todavía tienes un camino por recorrer hasta el abismo.

Cuando te veo caminando por aquí, mi corazón late con fuerza, solo sabiendo que estás cerca de mí. Nuestro sexo me hace flotar por la habitación.

Los ladrones están atrapados en la carrera, tenemos que molestarlos un poco.

¿Alguna vez has pensado que si puedes retroceder en el tiempo, todavía podrías tomar las mismas decisiones? Todos hacemos nuestras propias bolas de nieve de nuestras malas decisiones. Bolas que se vuelven masivas, como la roca de Indiana Jones, que te persiguen cuesta abajo solo para aplastarte al final.

Raquel Murillo: ‘¿Cuánto tiempo tomó estudiar cada movimiento que hacemos, cada vez?’
El profesor: ‘Para ser honesto, la mitad de mi vida’.

No se preocupe, se necesita más que una infección para evitar que un bebé nazca sano.

Profesor: ‘Esa será nuestra oportunidad de emplear un caballo de Troya. ¿Que es eso?’
Denver: ‘No sé, pero rima con … -‘
Profesor: ‘¡No! El caballo de Troya es …
Denver: ‘… rima con putas!’

Nairobi: ‘Quiero tanto a ese hombre, me hace sentir tan caliente, ¡ni siquiera puedo soportarlo!’
Tokio: ‘Bueno, no puedo decirlo’.
Nairobi: ‘¿Puedes?’
Tokio: ‘no’
Nairobi: ‘Apuesto a que puede’.

Al final, el amor es una buena razón para que todo se desmorone.

El segundo que se derrame sangre, ya no seremos Robin Hood, sino solo un puñado de punks.

La bala de un M16 se dispara a 2100 millas por hora. Más rápido que la velocidad del sonido. Entonces, si te dispararon en el corazón, ni siquiera escucharás la bala que te mató.

Una mujer puede pasar dos días eligiendo zapatos para una boda. Pero no pasaría un minuto discutiendo sobre las máscaras por un robo.

Ahí tienes a los gemelos Helsinki y Oslo. Incluso con el plan más a prueba de balas, los soldados son necesarios. ¿Qué mejor que dos serbios? Es posible que puedan pensar, pero afortunadamente nunca lo sabremos.

Y así fue como conocí al profesor, apuntando un arma a sus bolas. Lo bueno de las relaciones es que terminamos olvidando cómo empezaron.

Tendría 30 años. Y para ser honesto, envejecer en una celda de prisión no es lo mío. Prefiero correr, en cuerpo y alma. Y si no puedo llevar mi cuerpo conmigo, al menos mi alma debería correr.

Una mujer puede pasar dos días eligiendo zapatos para una boda. Pero no pasaría un minuto discutiendo sobre las máscaras por un robo.

No se preocupe, se necesita más que una infección para evitar que un bebé nazca sano.

The most important moments are the ones that make you realize there’s no turning back. You’ve crossed a line, and you’re stuck on the other side now.

I’ve spent my life being a bit of a son of a bitch, but today I think I want to die with dignity.

Teacher’s Question and Student’s Answer

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The teacher asks, “Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?” Flora blushes and says, “That’s disgusting, I won’t even answer that question.” The teacher calls on Johnny: “What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?” “That’s easy,” says Johnny. “It’s the pupil of the eye.” “Very good, Johnny,” responds the teacher. “That’s correct.” She then turns to Flora and says, “First, you didn’t do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you’re in for a BIG disappointment.”

What Are The Behaviors of a Confident Person?

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What are the behaviors of a confident person? 

1.Has nothing to prove to anyone, doesn’t need to go around starting fights.
    2. Doesn’t need anyone’s approval to make a decision.
    3. Isn’t afraid to give to someone that could surpass him in life.
    4. Never needs anyone’s validation to maintain a good self esteem.
    5. Doesn’t make someone feel smaller to look larger in life.
   6. Admits wrong doing and owns up to it, with full accountability.
    7. Body language is open and loose, with straight posture to show a commanding presence.
    8. Owns a room with charisma.
    9. Does not hide from conflict, rises to action.
    10. Never ridicules others- it is a sign of insecurity.
   11. Speaks truth from the core of their being, and communicates with full conviction.
    12. Solid eye contact.
    13. Mentally controls emotions against outside environment.
    14. Practices what they want to do harder than anyone.
    15. Makes no excuses for failures.
    16. Does not need to be told how great they are because they have humility.
    17. Laughs at one’s self and doesn’t take the world too seriously.
    18. Stays focused on one’s own life and doesn’t need to compare oneself to others.
   19. Is honest no matter the consequences.
    20. Doesn’t need to be seen as anyone other than who they are, and unapologetically themselves.  

How did my Girlfriend Get pregnant?

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wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger.
The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed.

Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella’s tip at the tiger and shouts
Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy: That can’t be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.

A Man Goes to Heaven

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looked, the man asked Jesus, “What’s the deal with all the clocks?”
Jesus replied, “They keep track of everybody on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time someone tells a lie, their clock moves forward one minute. For instance, this clock belongs to Sam, a used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move any second.”
Click! The minute hand on Sam’s clock moved forward one minute. Click! It moved forward another minute.
“Sam must be closing on a deal right now,” said Jesus. ‘The minute hand on his clock moves all day long.’
The man and Jesus continued walking and soon came across a clock covered with cobwebs. ‘Whose clock is this?’ asked the man. “That clock belongs to the Widow Audrey. She is one of the finest people on earth. I bet her clock hasn’t moved in a year or two.”
They continued walking and touring Heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends.
When the tour was finally finished, the man said, “I’ve seen everyone’s clock but one! Where is Donald Trump’s clock kept?”
Jesus smiled and said, “Look up. We use his for a ceiling fan.”